Should I have sent this letter to my child’s youth sports coach?
July 6, 2012
To send...or not to send?
After one very disappointing season for my young athlete, I drafted a letter to the coach.
However, I never sent it.
Do you think I should have? Here’s what I typed:
Dear Coach,
I am writing to express my concern over my child’s youth sports season. It was a season he/she started out enjoying, but ended up hating.
If you recall, my child started out very strong, scoring a lot and playing with passion. But as the season progressed and your frustration at losing several games in a row began to show itself, you started taking it out on the players.
You were negative, and on more than one occasion were quoted as saying you did not expect them to win. More than one parent complained that when a kid made a mistake, you often yanked him immediately.
Yet you refused to crack down on the selfish play that continually showed itself. Instead you rewarded selfish players and players who cussed in your face by giving them more playing time.
You did not believe in your players and they felt it. As the season progressed, your attitude squashed my child’s heart. He/she became afraid to play aggressive for fear of getting yanked if they did not score. You cut down with comments about my child’s play at practice. You damaged his/her self-confidence in the game. It’s funny how none of this was a problem BEFORE you coached my child.
My child will play sports in college next year. I pray he/she has a more positive coach who believes in the players. My child will thrive with a coach like that. He/she has thrived in the past with coaches who believed and wanted him/her to succeed.
Never once all season did my child feel like you wanted him/her to succeed. My child always felt like you disliked him/her. You did not take the time to explain to these players why you were playing them less or not starting them or why they were sitting on the bench. How can they expect to improve unless you help them see exactly what it is you want them to do?
I know being a coach is a hard job. I’ve been married to one for 30 years. But I’ve seen enough coaching between being a coach’s wife and being the mom of three athletes to know a positive, encouraging coach who truly helps his players improve. My child did not have that this season, and it was a season he would rather not remember.
Sincerely,
Janis Meredith
Maybe just writing it to vent my frustration was all I really needed to do. What do you think?
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From Kids in Sports | Character Building | JBM Thinks, post Should I have sent this letter to my child’s youth sports coach?
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Twitter: RonGoralski1963
July 6, 2012 at 6:51 am
I love this. I would have sent it.
Look what Ron Goralski recently posted: Where Area Libraries Stand on ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’
Ron, I guess one of the reasons I didn’t is because I didn’t want my kid to still be in school with the coach; afraid it might embarrass him/her. And by the time they were out of that school, my frustration had subsided and I thought, “what’s the point now?”
Hit send. Especially if last kid thru the system. I firmly believe teens should handle their own problems, but bottom line is they’re still minors, often little kids trapped in adult bodies, and need to know we have their back.
Hit send, for all the parents too afraid to.
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Kate, I wrote this letter several years ago and didn’t want to send it while my kid was still in the school where the coach worked because I was afraid my kid would be embarrassed to see the coach every day knowing mom had sent the letter. Now, I think, what’s the point? It’s all in the past. My kid is great now. Maybe I should have sent it because the coach is still coaching and is still clueless.
Twitter: realmattdaddy
July 6, 2012 at 10:20 am
I think it could be updated to reflect the events of the past, and just let the coach know that your kid has gone on to be successful and love his sport once again. If nobody tells this coach the effect that he is having on their kids, then he will never see his mistakes for what they are. Maybe he will make changes for future players.
So, you’re saying, Matt, that even though it happened a few years ago, that I should update and still send?
Twitter: Dr_Weberman
July 6, 2012 at 3:52 pm
I agree with TheRealMattDaddy. Even though it happened a few years ago, it still happened. Its a powerful letter and by making a few text changes to reflect the passage of time, its completely relevant. The fact that this person is still coaching and hasn’t changed means that more students are being impacted the way your son was. Sometimes its not about being sure that something will make a difference; its about doing all that’s in one’s power to make a difference. Its clearly a powerful letter and deserves to be sent. Thank you for sharing it.
Wow, Jennifer. Thanks. I’m gonna have to re-think this. I had no intention of ever sending it, but I’m going to definitely consider doing it now.
Twitter: ginavalley
July 6, 2012 at 6:09 pm
No, I wouldn’t send a letter like that. First of all, it doesn’t have specifics in it as far as what you are asking the coach to do at this point. Frankly, THAT is bad coaching. What is expected/desired needs to be clearly delineated, even if you just say, “I’m writing this to let you know how I feel” truly a change is desired. State clearly what that is.
Secondly, why wait until the end of the season. My kids are all gifted athletes. When something like this comes up, I have them make an appointment to meet one on one with the coach EARLY in the season, as soon as I see the problem, even the youngest ones,to discuss it. That usually solves it. If not, one of us parents (only one) meets with the coach to discuss it. No matter how that goes, we always set up a follow up meeting for a couple weeks later. That’s solved it every time.
Often times coaches don’t realize how they are perceived. Communication makes a difference. Even if they adjust their style simply to avoid dealing with my kids’ parents, all the kids benefit when we spend time communicating concerns in a timely manner.
All that aside, although this was a negative experience for your son, it sounds like he learned some valuable lessons that will make him a better coach himself in the future.
Gina, so you’re saying I was being a “bad” coach? I’m not sure I understand your statement. Yes, My son did grow through it. I think all tough experiences like this do make our kids stronger if we can help them through it.
DONT DO IT! lol! I have nightmare stories of contacting coaches…not slack from the coaches, but from my kids. They hate when parents contact coaches. At least mine do. It’s their greatest fear! I always tease/threaten them and they freak out! lol!
Holly, lol…it’s probably kinda late to send it now. And at the time I too was worried that my child would suffer repercussions from the coach.
Twitter: NickKahn204
July 7, 2012 at 11:39 am
My God, Janis, I simply don’t understand why you have been oscillating so long between such a simple decision … that too after Matt and Jennifer have had such a major contribution to make here. I am a father to a single daughter, and I respect her teachers’ freedom to deal with her as appropriate. But only so far. I would definitely not tolerate any behavior from anyone that would have the slightest bit of negative effect on my child’s physical and mental well-being. I would not only send that letter, if I were emailing it, I’d also copy it to the authorities at school. What are we gonna wait for, the coach to have a permanent effect on our children?
I just cannot believe you haven’t sent that letter thus far, though you may have, by now. Hopefully.
Just add to it as per Gina’s suggestions (don’t take her criticism personally … she means well … I can tell) and fire that salvo.
It’s for a major, major cause, in good faith, and extremely important that you send immediately. Or sooner, if possible.
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Twitter: NickKahn204
July 7, 2012 at 11:51 am
One more thing.
If you are gonna go by Holly’s logic, know that you are automatically instilling fear in your children. I’d say you need to bring them up FEARLESS.
You aren’t quite suing the coach or the authorities. You are merely presenting before them the issues that are bothering you in your capacity as the mother. There’s no harm in letting them know.
If you are still unsure, I’d suggest you meet the coach personally and express your concern. If that fails, just walk into the principal’s office and let him/her know in no uncertain terms that you intend to see the end of it, whatever it takes.
If you shy away from these duties, you are creating a huge problem for not just yourself and your kids but for the entire community.
Explain to your kids that the new weapons to combat FEAR are an outspoken attitude and a strong sense of justice. Tell them about America’s Abe, who stood up for his children. Had he not done that, yours would have been the most deplorable history in the world, instead of the glory that it now enjoys.
Modify it for the lapse of time and will and send it, I say.
Look what Nikhil Khandekar recently posted: A Matter of Judgment
Nikki, thanks for your thoughts. Part of the reason I probably won’t send it is because it happened several years ago, the child involved is now grown, a strong, mature young adult, who grew strong through the conflict. The coach may not even be at the school anymore. We have moved across the country. And quite honestly, many many parents have already complained about the coach, but the administration simply turned a deaf ear. I’m hoping that by now he is gone. My kids have not grown up fearful. They are brave, hard-working young adults. I’m proud of how they’ve come through the hard times.
Twitter: NickKahn204
July 7, 2012 at 12:03 pm
You being a sports mom, I’d thought you would automatically transfer virtues such as courage, fearlessness, and gumption to brave the odds in your children. I just do not understand what nameless fear stalks your mind. This is such a major pity.
For other tender youngsters of America, do it … by God … puhhhhleeeeeeeeeeeeeese …. DO IT.
I sincerely hope you take SOME action, Janis. Our children are our only wealth. If you allow yourself to see them squandered away by unscrupulous coaches, … well … what can I say? All the best to you and your children.
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Twitter: NickKahn204
July 7, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Oh … oh … me and my big electronic mouth …
Sorry, I didn’t know many others had already brought it to the admin’s attention. Saw your response too late.
I’ll still let you in on this, however, … let any joker so much as think about creating trouble for my li’l one … by all that’s holy, I’ll be blowing him to smithereens.
By the way, she’s cute, very mature, very intelligent, very talented and with a heart as large as that of the angels themselves. And that’s not me talking like a fond parent. I never do … I just hang around for her … that’s what I do. She is in the sixth grade, this year!
But it’s her music, basketball, languages, math, science and all other coaches and teachers reporting on her
They say she is just a wee bit highly vocal 
Do I mind? What do you think?
Look what Nikhil Khandekar recently posted: Craigslist Joe – The Way to Go
Twitter: Genuine
July 7, 2012 at 10:49 pm
As a relatively new coach that always tries his best to have the kids best interest at heart, I would say send it. The only changes i would make is to take out any kind of You and Your statements. Don’t attack, this makes you effort not much different than the behavior the coach is exhibiting. The coach sometimes needs to get this type of “constructive criticism” as long as it is not attacking. Now that your child is not on the team it would carry even more weight.
Look what Jim recently posted: Email Verification Can Drastically Change The Bottom Line
Thanks, Jim. I’ve gotten quite a bit of interesting feedback on this!
Were this a current situation I would say have your child meet with the coach. If that didn’t work, a parent/player/coach meeting. If this doesn’t help, go to the executive.
As a parent of 2 teenage athletes, and a coach and former youth athlete myself, I’ve been on all 3 sides of this type of situation. Early, open communication usually does the trick.
Since this is not a current issue, and the admin is aware, I’d let sleeping dogs lie.
Dan, it was a sticky situation…my child was in high school, many people had already gone to the administration about the coach, they turned a deaf ear. Parents had complained about him for years. People just figured they had to put up with it. Nothing worked with this guy. He managed to keep winning and didn’t do anything that in their eyes deserved firing.