4 steps to losing correctly
February 6, 2012
Losing is not fun for your young athlete. But it is inevitable, and teaching your child how to lose properly is just as important as teaching manners, honesty, and responsibility.
I watched an episode of the show Parenthood recently where an 8-year-old became very angry whenever she lost while playing games with her parents. Mom and Dad sent her to her room, and the rest of the night she cried and yelled mean things things to her mother while Mom sat outside her door getting comfort from a glass of wine.
You may have felt her frustration too. If you have a child who goes berserk at a loss, or at the very least, handles it in an unsportsmanlike way, these suggestions might help.
Acknowledge the loss
First let clarify that I am not saying that your child should enjoy losing, or even be okay with it. I am saying that kids need to learn to accept losing, and then grow from the experience.
- Don’t sugarcoat. Losing sucks. Acknowledge that to your child. Let them know you feel their pain and love them no matter what the outcome. Tell them it is okay to be angry but no one wins all the time.
- Talk with your child about what it means to lose. It may mean not winning the trophy, but in that loss, there is an opportunity for growth. What did they learn from the experience and how can they do better next time?
- Find the small victories. Once you’ve lamented their loss with them, help them see the good stuff that happened during the game.
Model how to handle loss
- Share your own personal losses and frustrations. Kids need to know that we all experience disappointment.
- Let your kids see you lose. They are watching closely. How you handle it sends a huge message to your kids.How do YOU handle it? Because chances are, that’s how your child will handle it too.
Look for other role models
- When you watch sports together, discuss the good and bad behavior of pro and college athletes.
- Take your kids to games where the athletes are a little older than them. Let them observe good and bad sports. Talk about it during the game or on the way home
Learn to show good sportsmanship
- Encourage your child to congratulate others after the game. Of course, most teams require the “good game, good game” line-up (always sounds like a bunch of bees buzzing to me), but talk to your kid about taking it a step further. Shake the other coach’s hand after the game. Seek out a player from the opposing team who really worked hard and tell them good job. My kids have had opposing players do that to them and it always meant a lot.
- Talk with your child about good plays their own team mates had and suggest that they give a high five or “good job” the player. Of course, it starts with you modeling that. If your kids see you do it to their teammates, they may follow.
As parents, we must teach our kids that everyone fails, and you can’t win all the time. Our job is to help them learn to deal with it constructively and help them grow through the pain.
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Twitter: sportssignup
February 7, 2012 at 2:40 pm
“Kids need to know that we all experience disappointment.”
I think a lot of sports parents are trying to protect their kids from disappointment but that actually does them a disservice. It’s important to learn how to keep you head up when you lose and how to lose with dignity. There is no shame in giving it your all and being beaten by a better team.
You are right on, Jodi. It’s natural for us to want to protect our kids, but there’s such a thing as over protection and a lot of parents just don’t know where to draw the line.
Twitter: hangingwithdad
February 8, 2012 at 8:47 pm
One thing that I have really enjoyed about playing rugby is that after the game is over both teams honor a member from the other team as “Man of the Match”.
Every team, regardless of the outcome, has at least one player who had the best game, and they should be acknowledged.
I like your recommendation about seeking out the coach or opposing player, but I’d add in the referee/umpire as well. It’s important to teach your kid to not blame the person enforcing the rules, but to show them respect (regardless of if they deserve it or not).
Look what Adam recently posted: Staying at Home is a Job…BUT
Great point about the refs/umps, Adam!
Great! Thank for information, I’m looking for it for a long time,
Twitter: watermicrofilters
February 10, 2012 at 4:33 pm
It seems like these days, winning is something for everyone – just look at all the ‘participant trophies’ that kids get! Great post, kids today definitely need to learn to lose with class. That’s how life works sometimes.
Look what Sean recently posted: Home
Unfortunately, losing is a part of life and everyone loses something at some point in life. I think losing in sports can help prepare kids for life’s losses as well.
Twitter: sarahwaldin
February 25, 2012 at 1:46 am
A great post: so often the journey with our children is our own journey and responsibility. thanks for sharing your knowledge and learning.
sarah
Look what sarah waldin recently posted: the story you tell …
Thanks, Sarah. Parenting is definitely a life-changing and growing experience for us!